Justified (FX) – Carla Gugino is on tonight’s episode. After the events of last week, please be advised that the Boyd Crowder Hair Threat Level has been temporarily upgraded from Unruly to Partial Electrocution. (NOTE: I have attached six more promo shots of Carla Gugino’s appearance to this post. You are all quite welcome.)

State of the Union Address (Every channel) – Presidents always invite inspirational figures or people who overcame adversity and have them sit up in the box with the First Lady. If I was president, I would put a koala in a little tiny tuxedo up there. YOUR MOVE, POLITICAL OPPONENTS.

Southland (TNT) – Tonight’s episode features a guest spot by Marla Gibbs, who played Florence on “The Jeffersons.” This is as good a reason as any to link to this video of Sherman Hemsley dancing.

Chopped (Food Network) – Four previous runners-up have to incorporate root beer schnapps and sweetbreads into their dishes. FUN FACT: I am typing this sentence while making my icky face.

White Collar (USA) – Yesterday was Tiffani Thiessen’s birthday. I can’t believe Uproxx made me work. WHAT DO WE WANT? Holidays based on the birthdays of celebrities we used to have crushes on! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Preferably by Britney Spears’ birthday in early December!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Elizabeth Banks and Ben McKenzie (Ryan from “The O.C.”) on Kimmel, and Sam Worthington and a whip-cracking champion named Adam Winrich on Conan. Everyone else is in repeats, but Tina Fey is on Letterman, and it’s the episode of Ferguson that they taped in Paris, if you’re so inclined.

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Last month, GoDaddy.com found itself in hot water after it came out in support of SOPA. The Internet domain registrar ultimately lost thousands of domains before reversing its position (and gaining even more domains than it lost). In an effort to put that SOPA controversy behind them, GoDaddy has leaked their annual Super Bowl ad in the hopes of refocusing the attention where they want it: On scantly clad women who have nothing to do with their service.

The latest features GoDaddy spokesperson Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels body painting a naked woman and introducing the .co domain. The commercials are trashy and usually irrelevant to their service, but they do work. If asked to name one other domain registrar other than GoDaddy, I doubt 95 out of 100 people could do so. Then again, if asked what GoDaddy.com does, 85 out of 100 people probably think it’s an Internet porn service. If that were the case, they’d need to pick up their game.

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There are a few news items and updates floating around right now that don’t really require a full post, so I’m going to knock them out here real quick-like. After that, it’s back to your steady diet of funny game show answers and boobs.

Emily Maynard is the new Bachelorette – Two things about this story: 1) They’re making a big deal about her having a 6-year-old kid, making her the first single mom Bachelorette. Now, I have a strict “don’t tell people how to raise their kids unless they put them on TLC” policy, but I will say this: I really wouldn’t have wanted to watch my mom play kissyface on TV with like a million dudes when I was six. Nope. Not at all. 2) When playing up her tough love life, they’ve been equating her fiancé (and child’s father) dying in a plane crash with the fact that she broke up with the one Bachelor dude after the show. Stop that. [ABC]

Tracy Morgan had a weird time at Sundance – The “30 Rock” star passed out, was rushed to the hospital, and left Utah with an oxygen tank due to an adverse reaction to the altitude. Supposedly. The important thing about this story is that “Oxygen Tanks” would be a great headline if Oprah’s channel ever goes bankrupt. Dibs. [TMZ]

Paula Deen’s publicist quit over Deen hawking diabetes medicine – “Although we had a great deal of fun along the way, I could not agree with the new business strategy going forward. Nonetheless, I wish them continued success.” I ran this through my publicist translator, and it spit out “Paula Deen is such a terrible and offensive hypocrite that I’m quitting even though she makes me a sh-tload of money.” I don’t often praise publicists, but kudos to you, ma’am. [NY Post]

Jay Leno’s right to tell lazy, offensive jokes is protected by the First Amendment – So I guess Jay Leno showed a picture of the Golden Temple of Amritsar in India and said it was Mitt Romney’s summer home. HAHA GOOD ONE, JAY! It justifiably made a group of Indian Sikhs kind of upset, but the U.S. State Department came out and said it was protected First Amendment speech, which is true. Here ends the saga of Latenight McFartypants and the Bill of Rights. [BBC]

Thank you for bearing with me. Here is a picture of a cupcake with a peanut butter cup and an Oreo stuffed in it.

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No-nudity clauses have long been a big deal in the film world, but now that nudity restrictions are more lax in the TV world — both on premium cable, basic cable, and even network television — actors who want to remain clothed now find it increasingly necessary to sign detailed no-nudity clauses, so says The NY Post. In fact, when the short-lived “The Playboy Club” debuted last fall, the subject came up because many of the actresses in the show, such as Amber Heard, were asked to waive no-nudity clauses for rebroadcasts on DVD and abroad. Kristen Bell also signed a no-nudity clause for her Showtime comedy “House of Lies,” though she will film in bra and panties, and apparently, allow her toes to be sucked.

With the Supreme Court now hearing arguments about the FCC’s ability to censor nudity on network television, the issue could gain even more attention in the coming years. But from what we know of rumor, innuendo, and statements made in interviews, we can be fairly certain that the following ten television actors and actresses all have various forms of no-nudity clauses. That does not mean, however, that they won’t wear revealing attire. Feel free to compare to the 10 Television Actresses You Were Most Likely to See Naked in 2011, and, FYI, while Alison Brie is not on the record with regard to her willingness to appear naked on television, she’s not shy about sharing details of her college sexual experimentation.

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Nothing says irony quite like a white rapper performing acoustic versions of his own songs in Echo Park, California. That’s why “The Soup” asked Vanilla Ice – who must have the greatest business card ever, considering he’s a “rapper, extreme athlete, and home improvement television personality” – to sing “Ice, Ice Baby” and “Ninja Rap” to a bunch of hipsters, accompanied only by a guitar, glockenspiel, and the sounds of sarcastic mustaches being twirled in a “yes…yes…I like this” fashion.

The event’s clearly, yet cleverly staged (I hope…), and Vanilla Ice plays up his white boy rapper image well. Thing is, I can totally see this becoming a thing, beginning as parody before becoming self-parody. An upcoming “SNL” musical guest is Karmin, who became Internet famous because they recorded themselves performing a sincere, yet ironic keyboard cover of Chris Brown’s “Look at Me Now.” My point: where’s Snow at?

Also, Vanilla Ice might have the greatest Wikipedia page ever. Excerpts and the video after the jump.

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I will go to great lengths to run this picture

In last Friday’s Weekend Preview, I led with a reminder about the Lifetime Original Movie Drew Peterson: Untouchable, starring Rob Lowe and featuring the universe-altering line of dialogue, “I’m untouchable, bitch.” At the end of the entry, after saying how overjoyed I was by that line, I wrote “That said, there is no chance I watch this movie.” Well, I have a confession to make to you, readers: I am a liar. I watched THE MESS out of it. And I was far from alone:

The Lifetime Original Movie Drew Peterson: Untouchable drew 5.8 million viewers in its premiere on Saturday to become the most watched movie on cable in two years — since Lifetime’s The Pregnancy Pact on January 23, 2010. It edged the January 2011 hit The Craiglist Killer (5.4 million) in total viewers, though it trailed behind in adults 25-54 (2.5 million vs. 2.7 million) and all key demos, ranking as the Lifetime’s highest-rated movie since then. [Deadline]

I don’t want to mince words here, so let me get right to the point: this movie was GLORIOUS. I’m openly in the tank for campy, over-the-top movies, and Drew Peterson: Untouchable was that times a million with hilarious mustaches and Chicago accents thrown in for good measure. If those types of movies are your thing, first of all, we would get along famously, and second of all, if you see it on your guide someday, save it on your DVR. Trust me on this. After all, I’m the guy who wrote the definitive piece of literature about the movie Karate Dog. I know what I’m talking about.

To illustrate my point, I’ve posted a video of highlights from the movie that the heroes at Vulture put together. After watching it, I think you’ll agree that the people responsible for Drew Peterson: Untouchable should ask for a box when they get to the Emmys to carry all their trophies out,

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